August 12th 2010 "Alone in the House"

"I never do give them hell. I just tell the truth, and they think it was hell"

So lets see its been a few years now. I think i only write when i am sad. Looking back at my past blogs they are never happy thoughts but more or less the sad lonely ones right have a break up.

Well anyways

Just laying in the bed alone tonight david is in the bird house and so is mel. David is my boyfriend and mel is my best friend. Yup things have changed in a couple years but change is not always bad. It comes just like the seasons. Winter is Brian and the Summer is David. Funny how if you think of them thats how they fit.

So you maybe wondering what happen to Brian. Well Nov 26 2008 he was killed in a car accident. My life was a mess and i turned a little crazy but i think anyone would. Its been two years and i met a wonderful man by the name of David. He fits everything i have ever looked for and between you and me i think brian sent him to me.

I still feel him. He still is around in his own way but not in a scary way. He did always tell me if he ever died he would haunt my ass. I guess in some way he has.

Well like i said i am sitting her in my bed thinking that writing stuff down would be a good idea. So expect more and more of these little junkets of thoughts

Love you always and more

Nicole

Nov. 19, 2008 "Meds a body good"

"Meds a body good"

“I felt good today, maybe a little sluggish this morning, but I don’t know if that’s just from lack of sleep or the medication”

-David Toms

Lamictal
Effexor

Those are my drugs of choice lol. Those keep me on the sane and on the non anxious path. Brian says I am a little like stuck up or what do you call it like not going out of my box. It’s hard to explain it but it’s just that I am scared. It’s the same as if you had to get on a roller coaster and you were scared to death of roller coasters. I mean think of the emotions go through you and how do you feel. For me life is my roller coaster. I get that scared anxious feeling in many most of all situations and I can’t control it. It makes me sad when I get misunderstood. I guess what I said earlier I sometimes don’t say the right thing or am very clear on how I am feeling. I guess I am getting better I guess it will take time.


Peace and love bitches

Love Nicole

O everyone last night was crazy I found my cat muffins stuck under the neighbor’s house. At least brian and I came to the rescue. Hehe

Nov. 18, 2008 "A Source of Sadness"

“A Source of Sadness”

“Life is languished away in the gloom of anxiety, and consumed in collecting resolutions which the next morning dissipates; in forming purposes which we scarcely hope to keep, and reconciling ourselves to our own cowardice by excuses which, while we”

-Samuel Johnson

Ok before I forget to tell you about what happen or before my mind jumps to something else I wanna tell you about the feeling I had just before I got on the elevator to go to the dr Monday morning. If anyone has every felt anxiety or felt fear of some sort they would know what I was talking about. Well my anxiety about getting on the elevator came back to me all at once in like a watery flood. I felt as If the doors to hell had opened and I was about to get on board. Its hard to feel that way when you know that its stupid. Its hard to make yourself feel better and think how sad it is. Crossing the door to the elevator is so hard. I am always scared that it will crush me like it does in the movies. Just know me writing about it makes me feel anxious. Is that crazy? I guess it is. I know lots of people with fears. So that’s one of my fears that I have to face.


Ok peace out bitches

Love always Nicole

Hey this is what my baby got me for our one year. He is the best he always knows what I want. I love you baby

Nov. 17, 2008 "Cloudy Skys"

"Cloudy Skys"

"If our house be on fire, without inquiring whether it was fired from within or without, we must try to extinguish it"

-Thomas Jefferson

Ok today feels like a tired day. I went to the dr. this morning to discuss what I have been feeling and the new medication that I am on. I guess another change is needed I guess this. Well this weekend could have been any better. Brian and I got into the worst argument that we have ever gotten into. And worse of all it was close to our year anniversary. Something stupid was said and then other things till finally we resolved it. I love him so much its hard to even think living without him. I am so glad things are better today. Today being our 1 year anniversary. That's so crazy to think its been one year. Its been the best year I could ever ask for and the best man I could ever ask for. I just wish I felt better I feel so cloudy and so out of it. I am not sure what to make of it. I just hope I will feel better soon.

Tash came over saturday night. We hung out for a little while brian was asleep on the couch. He did not even know she was there. It was so cute skittles kept jumping up on him and kissing him he still did not wake up lol.

Well good luck and peace out bitches

Love always Nicole

O to show you how small my babies are here is a pic. thats me with the boots

Nov. 14 2008 "Its a journey"

"Its a new Journey"

You know whats funny I hate people knowing what I really want to say. If that makes sense. I also don't think I say the right thing or say it right. Maybe that's just me being self conscious. But I think this will be good for me what I am about to do. Cause I need an outlet even if nobody watches or listens or even cares. I just need something so………

Starting today I am gonna right a journal of what I do wear and stuff like that. Not sure how deep I will go not sure where it will lead but I wanna be able to look back and say I went somewhere. I can show you my life see here it is look. So here i begin something that i hopefully will finish.

Now i will start with a quote

"Most people have come to prefer certain of life's experiences and deny and reject others, unaware of the value of the hidden things that may come wrapped in plain and even ugly paper. In avoiding all pain and seeking comfort at all costs, we may be left without intimacy or compassion; in rejecting change and risk we often cheat ourselves of the quest; in denying our suffering we may never know our strength or our greatness"

-Rachel Naomi Remen

Today I got up being the lazy person I am did not take a shower. I felt though my eyes would never open. I am taking a new medication for my anxiety disorder and it makes me so tired. I still don't know if I will take it or not I guess when I take it tonight I will see how I feel. I know the second time I took it I could not stop moving my arm and neck. I felt I could not slow down I could not rest. My boyfriend just felt sorry for me even though I thought he was mad at me for keeping him up. He does not get that much sleep either and with me acting strange it just puts more stress on the sleeping habits for both of us.

So I brushed my teeth and headed out. My tummy was hurting so bad that I almost did not go to work but now I am glad I did. We went to the MCe-dees by my work (we go there every Friday it's a ritual of some sort) and I got my usual coffee and egg and cheese biscuit. Got to work kissed my boyfriend good bye and went inside for a boring day. Nothing really to do just sit here at my desk. I did a lot of data entry stuff but that was it.

Still thinking of my Holiday party coming up though. I got the stamps I got the cards now I just got to remember to send them off. Jeesh I am so bad at remembering things. I wish my mind worked better. You know I could just keep focused and get one thing done at a time instead I run around like an idiot doing many things and trying to get them all done at once but then end up not getting anything done. I guess you could say my mind gets distracted.

I hope this weekend is good. I feel though I am not going to be doing anything. I never can sit still been that way all my life. That's why I hate movies you have to sit still for like three hours and that is just impossible for me. I am more of a show person its on its over there ya go. Then I can flip to something next. Which I cant watch commercials I am always flipping the channel on the remote brian hates that. That's my boyfriend if you did not know Brian.; ) He is always like stop with the constant channel surfing.

So I guess that's enough rambling for today. I will tell you how the meds work out. I don't think its going to be good. But anyways good luck peace out bitches

Love always Nicole